Such a lovely place

What do you do when the chips are down 

And

You’ve bet them all on the wrong horse

Or

Maybe not the wrong horse

Per se

But, like, maybe the horse wasn’t aware of the race

And here you are holding the bag

Buying the farm

And realizing there’s no bridge to cross with your chickens 

Because life does this weird thing where it keeps changing

The only thing you or i or we can be sure of is that we can’t actually be sure of anything 

Because I swear to god, or gods, or goddess, or Oprah 

That last week my biggest concern was buying non toxic make up 

And today 

I’m figuring out where to go with my career

Deciding decisively the trajectory of my life

I’m facing down the love of my life 

Who sees my dream or our life

As his worst nightmare

And

To boot

I definitely put those five pounds back on 

So where exactly do I go from here

How do I begin to think about tomorrow as anything more than the blade of a guillotine 

Because all I want to do 

Right now

Is Netflix and coma 

To arrive at the mirage 

Check in to the Hotel California 

And call it a life

Because I have not one solitary clue 

What to do

Or 

Where to go

I’ve built this life full of strangers 

For a stranger 

I’ve never met 

And here I am 

Unsurprisingly alone

Unfixed

Influx

Like a mirage at the edge of a waterfall

-EJoveJohnson

Coat Tails

This is uncomfortable

I

Am uncomfortable

Decision point approaches

And this time it’s my choice 

Or

Is it

Because whichever way I choose 

Is loss

Whichever way I choose

Is risk

And I don’t know who I am yet

So 

How can I make that bet

Because all I have 

Is a list of what I’m not

A dogged determination that I’m not quite sure what to do with 

I am frenetic energy spiraling toward entropy 

And, possibly

Taking everything I love with me 

Yet somehow decision point approaches

And this time it’s my choice

-EJoveJohnson

A helpful tree for grieving

I want to leave nothing left unsaid Leave

Nothing to chance 

If only, at close of day, there were no ellipses

But I know I’ll forget something important

That

We’ll talk about the meaning of life but I’ll forget to say I love you

Or maybe

I love you is all I’ll get out

See

Despite Shakespeare

An entire life can’t be condensed into a single soliloquy

All the things I should have said won’t get said and one day you’ll be gone 

Or

I’ll be gone

Whoever goes first, there will definitely be a loss 

And 

I am not equipped for that unprepared ending

I am not prepared to say goodbye before I’ve told you that I love the way your hair smells like summer vacation 

That

Yours are the strongest hands I’ve ever held 

That you’re my swan in Monet’s water lilies and you’ve always been the lighthouse guiding me home

If the number of things I have to tell you was directly proportional to the amount of time I’d have to tell them to you

I’d read you every entry on google in every language ever spoken 

But

That’s not how it works is it

One day you’ll be gone

Or

I’ll be gone 

Whoever goes first there will definitely be a loss

And

I am not prepared for the ending 

-EJoveJohnson

Apex Magazine Contest Submission #1

My Darling Eponine,

I knew the moment I first saw you, that you had been put on this Earth expressly for me. Kindling a fire I thought had long since been extinguished. How I loved you, and hated you, for averting those beautiful eyes from my gaze. Too soon though your father took you from me, and my world grew dimmer for your absence.

 

Beloved, I went into every shop inquiring after you. It took rather vigorous inquiry but Ms. Tibbs, at the patisserie, eventually conceded. Her death was not intended, but such are the consequences of trying to deny fate!

 

Sweetheart, I must make a small confession. Your sainted father did not catch his foot in the carpet before falling down the stairs. Alas, he too tried to deny our love. I could not allow him to stand in our way; he had to be sacrificed for the sake of our destiny. Likewise, I dispatched your mother. How could she possibly have gone on without your father? I am, you see, a merciful soul.

 

Dear heart, that is all behind us now, and I am resolute that this could have been the only path for us. We are unencumbered by convention or intervention, free, to be with only each other for all the rest of eternity. Watching the sun crest over your pale cheek I was overcome. You never woke as I closed my hands around your neck.

 

I wonder cherub, was that love’s spell or laudanum.

 

Always,

Alfred
-EJoveJohnson

Show me you love me….

________________________________Monday___________________________

J: I don’t believe you. You write and write and write and for what? What does it really mean when you say you love me?

D: What else do you want? I tell you everyday that you’re my whole world.

J: Exactly, you’ve told me. Meaningless words. It’s…. insulting.

D: But I live 3000 miles away from you, what more than words can we have right now? I’ve never even seen you and, still, I’m here every night all night.

J: Well, if there’s someplace you’d rather be then I guess that’s proof enough.

D: That’s not what I meant…

J: I don’t go on webcam because I am not interested in being a plaything. I thought you wanted to connect on a deeper level, but if you’re just looking for something to get you off there’s thousands of tube sites. I thought you were different, but you’ve shown me you’re not. Never speak to me again.

J has left the chat

D: No! Don’t go, I love you let me prove it?

J is offline and cannot receive messages

______________________________Tuesday____________________________

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