Spectrum

I want to speak freely

Giving sound to thought otherwise trapped

Yet

Every time I speak the distance between mind and mouth sharpens my words into weapons 

And you are wounded and I’m not sure how to help

I promise you that’s not how it sounded in my head

Those weren’t the words I felt in my heart 

Yet

Ballistic missiles fly from my lips, detonate in your smile

And,

I’m sorry 

What I wouldn’t give to not be sorry anymore

But there’s a mean I can’t explain

Hijacking our moments 

Coloring our memories  

Hardening your eyes 

And goddamnit I wish I had a reason why 

But, I only get the words right when I write them 

And unfortunately, I’m perpetually lacking a pen

-EJoveJohnson

Equinox

The creeping death of autumnal chill
Bringing an inevitable end to all that is verdant
Dreams fall as leaves to anonymous oblivion
And again, I am here
Returned to the crossroads
Again, alone
Will I always be so
Have I some flaw in form or function
Some deficit of soul
That renders my self so profoundly unworthy
Name that which I should change and it is done
Only
There is no voice here but the wind
No heartbeat but the echo of my steps
My appeal for reprieve
Falls silently on solitude’s ears

Ruminations

I searched for you in the deepest parts of myself
because somehow I have always known you Always loved you
but
I found you elsewhere drifting peacefully in a dream world of your own creation
and
I realized then, just how beautiful a human soul could be
You are familIar but also every language I’ve never learned
Innate but contrary
You are my everything beautiful and always home
The heart whose rhythm matches mine
-EJoveJohnson

Diary

I always meant to keep a journal
But
Then I met you
And
We got so busy living
That
Writing it all down got lost along the way
Though
I panic the world is spinning so damn fast
I’ll
Forget your golden constellation irises
So
I hold you
Because
How could I not
Find
Solace, in my infinitude of kisses written on your skin
-EJoveJohnson

J

If the world was ice

Each a stilled moment

Static in a world gone grey for lack of change

Or instead the world was fire

Each a fading tendril of smoke

Ashen in a world reduced to cinder

Still, I would find a way to you

Or

The memory of however you might have been

Because, even in blackness beyond dark

You

Are vivid
-EJoveJohnson

Evyl

All the words you should have said
A fingertips breath from asylum
Yet, quiet
Obscenity silence luxuriating in wanton void
And I am here feeling without you
I hate your impetuous immaturity
I love your soul in soft moments
Ever the game with no rules
Building my Eden and salting my earth
Why
Must you break me beautifully
How
Can you impose such exile
If you must, hurt me
Do so completely
Leave nothing left to ache
But, to forget me
Cruelty beyond measure
Equal and opposite
To the heaven I taste at your side
-EJoveJohnson

I Love You

I love you meets silence and there are no survivors
Only
Reconsideration of thought expressed
Perhaps
Questioning of continued intent for eternity
I can say it only so many times
Before
The sound heard once too often fades to nothing
Before
Emotion dissipates
Leaving
Remnants of what should always have been like too many already scars
This body
Scarred by wars beyond remembering
Of
Little girls and other lives and all the alcohol that blinds
So
My heart is more scar than tissue
Perhaps
That’s why my words lack the resonance to elicit feeling
-EJoveJohnson

Sunday Solemnity

I sit with my back to you
Swallowed by the silence of what I don’t know how to say
Silenced by the enormity of fear I am totally inadequate to explain
I love you
But, sometimes
I hate you
Not really but there are moments of overwhelming terrified rage
I cannot contain the sensation that we’re sinking
Collapsing into the perpetual sloth of our own laziness
Was I always this way
Is this you
How will we ever grow when so many hours have passed
Sitting, laying
Existing but not living
I don’t know how to motivate you
Or, myself
I don’t know how to change myself
Or, you
Whether it is even worthwhile to try
Is it possible that this is life
Slowly too quickly slipping away
Never before have I so keenly noticed the hours
How very terribly few there seem to be

Return to Life

Syllabic hammers to my xylophone bones
How you strum my senses
The resonance of your voice in my rib cage
Appreciation, anew, for the sound of my name
Your kiss my sigil
Proof of life in the salt of your sweat on my skin
You are real and
So,
Am I
Free to rest between your synapses
The space beyond existence where you and I collide
-EJoveJohnson

Amator

You are the rock to my window pane

My solitary place of peace on fire

With you, yet, without you

How many secrets still you keep

Vaults of memory to which I was never given a key

Never will be

Safe, somehow, in individuality

I want to know you

Yet

Know I never will

Completely

Understand the changing of your tides

Lingering, the mystery of your rainbow smile

With you though beauty

I cannot be discrete

Cannot

Not

Bare myself to you completely

Lain my soul at your feet
-EJoveJohnson

Immaturity

I could perhaps apologize

I won’t

But

I could

I’ve promised myself though to lie no more

There’s no thrill left to it

No excitement in the prospect of being caught

No ecstasy of again crafting an illusory reality more tangible than the one you touch

I could perhaps regret

I won’t

But

I could

I’ve promised myself though to regret no more

There’s no honesty to it

No lingering discomfort of guilt

No satisfaction of psychological scarring

I could perhaps forgive

I won’t

But

I could

Alas

Stoicism

All that lies unspoken
An endless cacophony of curiosities trapped somewhere between should have and will
How do I ask questions I cannot articulate
From where do the reserves of courage come to ask things of you I don’t perhaps deserve
Or, perhaps, I do
I open my mouth and scream loaded silence at your sleeping form
All of the questions I’ll probably never ask
They tumble fearlessly from cowardice sealed lips
How I wish I was brave
Instead though,
I slip my arm around your waist
I nestle my face in your hair
I succumb to unconscious
It’s safe there
There, I am brave
-EJoveJohnson