A helpful tree for grieving

I want to leave nothing left unsaid Leave

Nothing to chance 

If only, at close of day, there were no ellipses

But I know I’ll forget something important

That

We’ll talk about the meaning of life but I’ll forget to say I love you

Or maybe

I love you is all I’ll get out

See

Despite Shakespeare

An entire life can’t be condensed into a single soliloquy

All the things I should have said won’t get said and one day you’ll be gone 

Or

I’ll be gone

Whoever goes first, there will definitely be a loss 

And 

I am not equipped for that unprepared ending

I am not prepared to say goodbye before I’ve told you that I love the way your hair smells like summer vacation 

That

Yours are the strongest hands I’ve ever held 

That you’re my swan in Monet’s water lilies and you’ve always been the lighthouse guiding me home

If the number of things I have to tell you was directly proportional to the amount of time I’d have to tell them to you

I’d read you every entry on google in every language ever spoken 

But

That’s not how it works is it

One day you’ll be gone

Or

I’ll be gone 

Whoever goes first there will definitely be a loss

And

I am not prepared for the ending 

-EJoveJohnson

Runestone Casting

I cannot be your friend
Because
You, are not mine
Because
You cannot abide my silence
Because
To you my pain is inconvenience
My support
Your disdain
Because
Somewhen along our way you forgot what it means to love in difference
Forgot, it seems
To see beyond your preconceptions
Because
We, are no longer same
We
Are, no longer
Two halves of one household
Two sides of one soul
Two
We are no longer
Perhaps we never were
More
Just bedfellows of convenience
The equivalently lost
Directionless but for each other
Sole solace for so long
Somehow
My language no longer yours
Yours, no longer
Mine
I cannot be your friend because
You
Are no longer mine
-EJoveJohnson

Fade

Skin like butterfly wings
Delicate
Transparent over veins below
Darkened at intervals by the sun
It felt small, too small
Each bone in perfect relief against my flesh
Worry, at the strength of my fingers
How many times I had held that hand in just that way
Never noticing that in time your hand was wrapped in mine
Fingers, twisted as tree limbs
Fonts of pain but also such beauty
I spent years watching them twist Simple thread into so many things beautiful
Now, stillness
Unnatural quiet
No more the flutter of life beneath my touch
I held your hand
As you grew cold
-EJoveJohnson

Exit

Absence
Sudden as the hush of winter
How many stories you never finished telling
You, were so much better
Yet
It is you they buried in her prom dress
You who will be perfect, 18, forever
Life ended in the pause between breaths
An exit in media res
Never seeing disappointment, never tasting failure
We spoke of death the night before you died
Of all the memories yet to be made
Maybe, something in you knew
Maybe, something in me
That goodnight would become goodbye
Quietly
-EJoveJohnson

Credits

To write a eulogy
Punctuated
For emotion that’ll come when the world slows
Coincidentally
Keeping sacred the social conformity of sorrow
Tearless though from centrivical force
See
The poles didn’t change axis for your soul to disembark
Life
Didn’t stop moving
Born from the dust of stars
Again
You are carbon
Palatable
Hermetically sealed ash
I’m sorry
I’ve tasted goodbye too often to cry
Mourned
Enough to sap its meaning
I would
Rage until heaven repented
Only
Somehow, imperceptibly, the hole you left has closed
You
A memory already past tense
This, is tragedy
-EJoveJohnson