That’s Amore

You joke

A lot

About how I’m your nightmare

How

You’re just not that into it

You tell me 

In so many actions 

That we are two roads diverged in a yellow wood

That deforestation has brought back together 

I don’t want to be your worst case scenario

Love

I don’t want to be the path of least resistance

I want to be a choice you make every day

Knowing

Full well that the world is full of choices different if not better than me 

I can’t 

Love you into loving me back 

I can’t

Be the partner I hope to have 

I can be your partner 

And

I can accept what you give 

Or not

But with me 

There’s no halfway

There’s no feeling it out

There’s no casual

It’s forever or forgotten 

It’s the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie 

Or

A sun bleached flyer long since faded

So when you tell me 

You’re in

You’re my partner my team mate my cheering section my tough love my always

You’ve gotta mean it

Because I don’t do half measures

I’m not interested in going through life with or as an NPC

But that’s a problem 

Because

Lately 

I can’t feel you next to me

-EJoveJohnson

Spectrum

I want to speak freely

Giving sound to thought otherwise trapped

Yet

Every time I speak the distance between mind and mouth sharpens my words into weapons 

And you are wounded and I’m not sure how to help

I promise you that’s not how it sounded in my head

Those weren’t the words I felt in my heart 

Yet

Ballistic missiles fly from my lips, detonate in your smile

And,

I’m sorry 

What I wouldn’t give to not be sorry anymore

But there’s a mean I can’t explain

Hijacking our moments 

Coloring our memories  

Hardening your eyes 

And goddamnit I wish I had a reason why 

But, I only get the words right when I write them 

And unfortunately, I’m perpetually lacking a pen

-EJoveJohnson

Apex Magazine Contest Submission #1

My Darling Eponine,

I knew the moment I first saw you, that you had been put on this Earth expressly for me. Kindling a fire I thought had long since been extinguished. How I loved you, and hated you, for averting those beautiful eyes from my gaze. Too soon though your father took you from me, and my world grew dimmer for your absence.

 

Beloved, I went into every shop inquiring after you. It took rather vigorous inquiry but Ms. Tibbs, at the patisserie, eventually conceded. Her death was not intended, but such are the consequences of trying to deny fate!

 

Sweetheart, I must make a small confession. Your sainted father did not catch his foot in the carpet before falling down the stairs. Alas, he too tried to deny our love. I could not allow him to stand in our way; he had to be sacrificed for the sake of our destiny. Likewise, I dispatched your mother. How could she possibly have gone on without your father? I am, you see, a merciful soul.

 

Dear heart, that is all behind us now, and I am resolute that this could have been the only path for us. We are unencumbered by convention or intervention, free, to be with only each other for all the rest of eternity. Watching the sun crest over your pale cheek I was overcome. You never woke as I closed my hands around your neck.

 

I wonder cherub, was that love’s spell or laudanum.

 

Always,

Alfred
-EJoveJohnson

Show me you love me….

________________________________Monday___________________________

J: I don’t believe you. You write and write and write and for what? What does it really mean when you say you love me?

D: What else do you want? I tell you everyday that you’re my whole world.

J: Exactly, you’ve told me. Meaningless words. It’s…. insulting.

D: But I live 3000 miles away from you, what more than words can we have right now? I’ve never even seen you and, still, I’m here every night all night.

J: Well, if there’s someplace you’d rather be then I guess that’s proof enough.

D: That’s not what I meant…

J: I don’t go on webcam because I am not interested in being a plaything. I thought you wanted to connect on a deeper level, but if you’re just looking for something to get you off there’s thousands of tube sites. I thought you were different, but you’ve shown me you’re not. Never speak to me again.

J has left the chat

D: No! Don’t go, I love you let me prove it?

J is offline and cannot receive messages

______________________________Tuesday____________________________

Continue reading “Show me you love me….”

Equinox

The creeping death of autumnal chill
Bringing an inevitable end to all that is verdant
Dreams fall as leaves to anonymous oblivion
And again, I am here
Returned to the crossroads
Again, alone
Will I always be so
Have I some flaw in form or function
Some deficit of soul
That renders my self so profoundly unworthy
Name that which I should change and it is done
Only
There is no voice here but the wind
No heartbeat but the echo of my steps
My appeal for reprieve
Falls silently on solitude’s ears

Ruminations

I searched for you in the deepest parts of myself
because somehow I have always known you Always loved you
but
I found you elsewhere drifting peacefully in a dream world of your own creation
and
I realized then, just how beautiful a human soul could be
You are familIar but also every language I’ve never learned
Innate but contrary
You are my everything beautiful and always home
The heart whose rhythm matches mine
-EJoveJohnson

Diary

I always meant to keep a journal
But
Then I met you
And
We got so busy living
That
Writing it all down got lost along the way
Though
I panic the world is spinning so damn fast
I’ll
Forget your golden constellation irises
So
I hold you
Because
How could I not
Find
Solace, in my infinitude of kisses written on your skin
-EJoveJohnson

J

If the world was ice

Each a stilled moment

Static in a world gone grey for lack of change

Or instead the world was fire

Each a fading tendril of smoke

Ashen in a world reduced to cinder

Still, I would find a way to you

Or

The memory of however you might have been

Because, even in blackness beyond dark

You

Are vivid
-EJoveJohnson

Relativity

I always start my poems with grand ideas

Condensed down into single words

So full

They can ONLY be understood in abstraction

The heavy lifting of MY human existence

Outsourced in pursuit of transcendent literary greatness

Only

I’m just an impetuous girl from New Jersey

Damn near three decades in and sometimes, the person I undress at the end of the day is not the one I dressed at its start

I have no idea what I’m capable of, or what I’m not… or even who I’m going to be two weeks from now

This poem

Was supposed to start with

“Time”

How you need more of it

And

How I just don’t seem to have enough to undo what you spent a lifetime learning

It was supposed to prove that taking the next 50 years on faith is as easy as breathing

But

It isn’t is it….

It’s the rest of forever as far as we’re concerned

The entirety of our human experience signed, sealed and delivered

It’s the end of our youth

And that.. just… doesn’t seem fair

I’m in no rush to get to the end of our story

I know I don’t wanna glue anyone else’s dentures in

But

I want those dentures to be as far away and abstract as the words I use to start my poems

You’ve already taught me more about who I am and what I’m capable of in three years than I was able to figure out on my own in the preceding 24

And I want to spend the rest of my days exploring your depths because I have never in my life met someone so utterly captivating

This poem hasn’t gone where I expected, but then neither has my life so far… or yours

Somehow all those twists and turns and tears and tribulations

All those decisions large and small

Lead us to be standing in front of each other, that night, several years removed from this moment where our story began

This poem came into being as an explanation of the relativity of time

How three years CAN measure up to fifty and inform your choices about forever

I realize, though, that it was NEVER about grand ideas like time or even relativity

It was about an impetuous girl from New Jersey who fell in love with a quiet boy from Brooklyn

How she loved him so much that, perhaps selfishly, she wanted to claim him for all the rest of forever

That the magnitude of love she felt for him made her want, for the first time, to share that love with a being of our own creation

Really

It’s about how a quiet boy from Brooklyn taught an impetuous girl from New Jersey that in the universe of moments that are the rest of our forever time -, as a linear pressure cooker of frantic expectation, – doesn’t exist

We set the pacing of our story and before we get old together we should be young together first

-EJoveJohnson