That’s Amore

You joke

A lot

About how I’m your nightmare

How

You’re just not that into it

You tell me 

In so many actions 

That we are two roads diverged in a yellow wood

That deforestation has brought back together 

I don’t want to be your worst case scenario

Love

I don’t want to be the path of least resistance

I want to be a choice you make every day

Knowing

Full well that the world is full of choices different if not better than me 

I can’t 

Love you into loving me back 

I can’t

Be the partner I hope to have 

I can be your partner 

And

I can accept what you give 

Or not

But with me 

There’s no halfway

There’s no feeling it out

There’s no casual

It’s forever or forgotten 

It’s the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie 

Or

A sun bleached flyer long since faded

So when you tell me 

You’re in

You’re my partner my team mate my cheering section my tough love my always

You’ve gotta mean it

Because I don’t do half measures

I’m not interested in going through life with or as an NPC

But that’s a problem 

Because

Lately 

I can’t feel you next to me

-EJoveJohnson

Such a lovely place

What do you do when the chips are down 

And

You’ve bet them all on the wrong horse

Or

Maybe not the wrong horse

Per se

But, like, maybe the horse wasn’t aware of the race

And here you are holding the bag

Buying the farm

And realizing there’s no bridge to cross with your chickens 

Because life does this weird thing where it keeps changing

The only thing you or i or we can be sure of is that we can’t actually be sure of anything 

Because I swear to god, or gods, or goddess, or Oprah 

That last week my biggest concern was buying non toxic make up 

And today 

I’m figuring out where to go with my career

Deciding decisively the trajectory of my life

I’m facing down the love of my life 

Who sees my dream or our life

As his worst nightmare

And

To boot

I definitely put those five pounds back on 

So where exactly do I go from here

How do I begin to think about tomorrow as anything more than the blade of a guillotine 

Because all I want to do 

Right now

Is Netflix and coma 

To arrive at the mirage 

Check in to the Hotel California 

And call it a life

Because I have not one solitary clue 

What to do

Or 

Where to go

I’ve built this life full of strangers 

For a stranger 

I’ve never met 

And here I am 

Unsurprisingly alone

Unfixed

Influx

Like a mirage at the edge of a waterfall

-EJoveJohnson

Coat Tails

This is uncomfortable

I

Am uncomfortable

Decision point approaches

And this time it’s my choice 

Or

Is it

Because whichever way I choose 

Is loss

Whichever way I choose

Is risk

And I don’t know who I am yet

So 

How can I make that bet

Because all I have 

Is a list of what I’m not

A dogged determination that I’m not quite sure what to do with 

I am frenetic energy spiraling toward entropy 

And, possibly

Taking everything I love with me 

Yet somehow decision point approaches

And this time it’s my choice

-EJoveJohnson

Connection 

There is not always beauty

Or symmetry

Or simplicity

In fact 

Easy is a fantastic beast and no one knows where to find it

Or how to find it

No one knows how

And that’s the problem 

We are tangled tangible chaos

Overlapping and intersecting incorrectly 

All the time 

And when you finally map the way you connect to another they’re gone

Or maybe they’re just different than they were

But it’s all the same thing because you’re not the same anymore either

And you’ve poured your heart into a roadmap to nowhere

So you start again 

Because everybody has to go somewhere 

And you spend your life trying to map an infinity of pivotal moments between people 

No longer strangers

Only to have never met them again 

-EJoveJohnson

Sing the Hollow

Come the hollow

Words that lie

Ephemeral

Cosmetic for aesthetic lives

Discarded

Wasting time just filling time 

Too much and somehow not enough

For meaning

Anything more than heartbeats fading

Cuz life is fear and frequent failure

Life is free fall seating one

It’s superficial harmony

With ghosts of who we thought we’d be 

Unliving

Hollow

Lives

-EJoveJohnson

A helpful tree for grieving

I want to leave nothing left unsaid Leave

Nothing to chance 

If only, at close of day, there were no ellipses

But I know I’ll forget something important

That

We’ll talk about the meaning of life but I’ll forget to say I love you

Or maybe

I love you is all I’ll get out

See

Despite Shakespeare

An entire life can’t be condensed into a single soliloquy

All the things I should have said won’t get said and one day you’ll be gone 

Or

I’ll be gone

Whoever goes first, there will definitely be a loss 

And 

I am not equipped for that unprepared ending

I am not prepared to say goodbye before I’ve told you that I love the way your hair smells like summer vacation 

That

Yours are the strongest hands I’ve ever held 

That you’re my swan in Monet’s water lilies and you’ve always been the lighthouse guiding me home

If the number of things I have to tell you was directly proportional to the amount of time I’d have to tell them to you

I’d read you every entry on google in every language ever spoken 

But

That’s not how it works is it

One day you’ll be gone

Or

I’ll be gone 

Whoever goes first there will definitely be a loss

And

I am not prepared for the ending 

-EJoveJohnson

Proximity

The intimacy of proximity

Otherwise strangers rest together softly

Momentary bedfellows on buses

Distinct lives, histories, and futures 

Collide in an infinitude of fleeting encounters 

The ephemera of their unknown 

Lingers

Her perfume in my hair 

His coat on my skin 

The accidental chiaroscuro of sunlight and clavicle exposed in unintended sleep

Captured, filtered, remembered

Anonymously

-EJoveJohnson

Stranger

Every day in every way I grow
Stranger
In this body stranger than the mind it does not know
Soul deed and countenance so wholly out of tune
A glimmer in a mirror glimpsed so utterly askew
Whose is this face, whose are these thoughts, in whose mind do they belong
For mine is surely not the one from whence these wild things come
Who is this person growing here wild in her cage
Why is this person sentenced here, apathy her stage
A stage a cage a half filled page familiar yet unknown
How is it that I am here, so very far from home
A place I don’t remember well, perhaps one I’ve never known
But home is more than place and time
And I am more than she
A girl who grows within a cage
It’s walls she cannot see

Anthony

In confidence he spoke of angels
Transcendent beings who whispered in his dreams
They told him how to save a life
Not his
But, a child’s
So
He drove his motorcycle off a bridge
And
She lived
– Though the doctors said she wouldn’t
So did he
– No one’s quite sure how
But
That wasn’t the point
He wasn’t the point
Theirs were not the secrets of longevity
They spoke of sacrifice
A choice
To balance some incomprehensible cosmic scale
Until
They found the right dose of seroquel
And
They never spoke again
Because
Angels aren’t real
Unless you’re mad

Equinox

The creeping death of autumnal chill
Bringing an inevitable end to all that is verdant
Dreams fall as leaves to anonymous oblivion
And again, I am here
Returned to the crossroads
Again, alone
Will I always be so
Have I some flaw in form or function
Some deficit of soul
That renders my self so profoundly unworthy
Name that which I should change and it is done
Only
There is no voice here but the wind
No heartbeat but the echo of my steps
My appeal for reprieve
Falls silently on solitude’s ears